This month I have been trying to make God make sense. My dilemma with a good God is that I can't figure out how he can be in my court, when I am not following him. In much of the Old Testament, God is letting people die. I read story after story to my three year old about mass destruction, Noah's Ark, Joshua conquering Jericho, Pharaoh's army being covered by the sea, David killing the giant. In studying the book of Amos, I learn that God finally says to his people, this is it, I am not going to listen or relent, i.e. the dialogue is over and now many people are going to be wiped out.
I believe that God is just and perfect in his love, but I don't understand how I fit, because what I do leads me to think I should be punished. What can he be thinking when I try to ignore my screaming kids for 5 more minutes in bed. Does he want this world, this way? I have to think, "No." Does he have a choice about what happens, "I believe he does."
Last week I ask some friends why God created us, when it feels like we never do anything right. One said, why did you become a parent? I know that Christ died for my sin, so the equation changed. That God does label me by what I do, but sees Christ death as the payment for my selfishness. I know that I choose kids, even though I struggle in it and that terrible things will happen to them in their lives. I don't want to live on the set "The Truman Show," all happy and fake.
I want the raw and the pain and God's word saying, even though you have done it again, "I will relent." I want to hear him say, "Sonia, I want to know you and be with you despite everything you did today. " I feel the same in responding, "Despite your wrath and even knowing I have to accept Christ died on my behalf, I can love and not fear my future, or that of my kids. I could lose the things most precious to me and be rejected by everyone I care about, but God will not leave me. Today, I reach for that.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Starting Over Again Again
I ran two consecutive days last week, after taking a year and a half off. Many people ask me if I am running and I end up looking at my feet and wishing I could say yes. With my depression, my husband asked what I thought I needed and my instant response was I need to run. It feels great and hard and freeing.
Once I have run a few days, I instantly think ahead to two weeks out when it will feel simple, a month out when I can play with speed and hills and distance to become faster. Then my mind gets lost in what feels unattainable, too difficult, and I lose my grip on the experience itself. The cycle of starting my engine after years off, of my propensity to quit over and over, make me wonder if my body will seize up on me this time, the way our van did when it ran out of oil, rendering it totaled.
I relay this to wanting to play the guitar, which I also wish I could do. I have taken lessons a few times but the idea of having to start again, knowing it will be slow and hard and I may never sound good, leaves me feeling tired, distracted, disillusioned and then drives me to quit before I even get my guitar out.
Maybe Spring is about renewed hope in growing and changing me. I expect that the acts of making, doing, working creatively might cure me of the holes that apathy bring. I knowing I will start, dream big, stop a thousand more times, but I may get a bit closer to what matters. I enjoy believing in myself, but I hate the idea that I will fail one more time. In my head I know that a part of me has to choose being in the struggle; letting go of any other hope beyond creating from where I am now. I should redefine success to be the act of creating in this moment as the end goal. Rather than wish I were confident, brilliant, accomplished, belting James Taylor from my porch while my kids rid around the circle, I want to enjoy doing basic music ladders and making up my own lyrics about the orchestra of frogs in the retention pond.
The truth is that running or writing or playing my five chords wake up my brain. They allow me to observe beauty and see the world with fresh eyes. In one 35 minute run, I can write five blogs, processed all the voices in my head that are vying for my attention and dreaming about possibilities.
Once I have run a few days, I instantly think ahead to two weeks out when it will feel simple, a month out when I can play with speed and hills and distance to become faster. Then my mind gets lost in what feels unattainable, too difficult, and I lose my grip on the experience itself. The cycle of starting my engine after years off, of my propensity to quit over and over, make me wonder if my body will seize up on me this time, the way our van did when it ran out of oil, rendering it totaled.
I relay this to wanting to play the guitar, which I also wish I could do. I have taken lessons a few times but the idea of having to start again, knowing it will be slow and hard and I may never sound good, leaves me feeling tired, distracted, disillusioned and then drives me to quit before I even get my guitar out.
Maybe Spring is about renewed hope in growing and changing me. I expect that the acts of making, doing, working creatively might cure me of the holes that apathy bring. I knowing I will start, dream big, stop a thousand more times, but I may get a bit closer to what matters. I enjoy believing in myself, but I hate the idea that I will fail one more time. In my head I know that a part of me has to choose being in the struggle; letting go of any other hope beyond creating from where I am now. I should redefine success to be the act of creating in this moment as the end goal. Rather than wish I were confident, brilliant, accomplished, belting James Taylor from my porch while my kids rid around the circle, I want to enjoy doing basic music ladders and making up my own lyrics about the orchestra of frogs in the retention pond.
The truth is that running or writing or playing my five chords wake up my brain. They allow me to observe beauty and see the world with fresh eyes. In one 35 minute run, I can write five blogs, processed all the voices in my head that are vying for my attention and dreaming about possibilities.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Fritos
I recently bought Fritos for a good-buy party for a good friend from church. They were on sale and made me think about my mom. She loved them along with butter pecan ice cream, Triscuits, mound bars, raspberries and hot water. The description on the front of the Fritos bag read all natural, gluten free, no trans fats, so I believe them to be a health snack that I can enjoy without guilt.
My cousin told me that my grandmother began buying at the age of 90, after my grandfather passed away. She would pull out a bag, pour a few into a little bowl and enjoy them with her afternoon coffee. She said, "I like to take a few of these in the afternoon. I never bought them when Tigger (her husband) was alive, because he didn't care for them. She sacrificed for sixty some years, tolerating his bugles instead. I am guessing that he did not even know that she liked them.
I think about that as I enter my 13th year of marriage. What have I given up that I might really enjoy, artichokes, lobster, control of our finances, hiking, dance classes? A 26 year old neighbors son asked me to go salsa dancing saying, since you are married, being your partner wouldn't be weird. But the truth is, I kinda want to dance with my husband, and for him to want to go Scottish dancing, swing dancing, even though it might not be cool, or to just slow dance in some cheesy dance hall.
My husband is always saying, eat what you want, dance, hike! The trouble is that I want to do those things with him, but the him who would agree to enjoy it, if that is even possible. Maybe this is the year I will become more secure in my adventures and go off to do them without needing approval or to be accompanied.
At a minimum, I would like to put some dreams on the board to work toward. I know they might never happen and some will take years to manage, but here goes.
- Be in each moment with my kids - Enjoying our time together! (writing it and living in it)
- Get out of debt and start saving
- Tithe consistently
- Settle on a regular writing schedule
- Plan and take a hike
- Buy some piece of clothing that feels like me
- Co-managing our family finances
- Read one book from my mom's list - God of Small Things
- Subscribe to and read a lit magazine (and submit work to it)
- Run
- Make art
- Play Guitar
I know I can't do them all today, but having a point to shoot for gets me closer. Looking over my list, they all speak of a kind of rhythm that I long for in my weeks.
My cousin told me that my grandmother began buying at the age of 90, after my grandfather passed away. She would pull out a bag, pour a few into a little bowl and enjoy them with her afternoon coffee. She said, "I like to take a few of these in the afternoon. I never bought them when Tigger (her husband) was alive, because he didn't care for them. She sacrificed for sixty some years, tolerating his bugles instead. I am guessing that he did not even know that she liked them.
I think about that as I enter my 13th year of marriage. What have I given up that I might really enjoy, artichokes, lobster, control of our finances, hiking, dance classes? A 26 year old neighbors son asked me to go salsa dancing saying, since you are married, being your partner wouldn't be weird. But the truth is, I kinda want to dance with my husband, and for him to want to go Scottish dancing, swing dancing, even though it might not be cool, or to just slow dance in some cheesy dance hall.
My husband is always saying, eat what you want, dance, hike! The trouble is that I want to do those things with him, but the him who would agree to enjoy it, if that is even possible. Maybe this is the year I will become more secure in my adventures and go off to do them without needing approval or to be accompanied.
At a minimum, I would like to put some dreams on the board to work toward. I know they might never happen and some will take years to manage, but here goes.
- Be in each moment with my kids - Enjoying our time together! (writing it and living in it)
- Get out of debt and start saving
- Tithe consistently
- Settle on a regular writing schedule
- Plan and take a hike
- Buy some piece of clothing that feels like me
- Co-managing our family finances
- Read one book from my mom's list - God of Small Things
- Subscribe to and read a lit magazine (and submit work to it)
- Run
- Make art
- Play Guitar
I know I can't do them all today, but having a point to shoot for gets me closer. Looking over my list, they all speak of a kind of rhythm that I long for in my weeks.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Planting
I planted raspberries at the top of the hill in my back yard tonight. It took hauling in dirt, wood chips, 15 little plants and a lot of digging and mixing. I have never had my own land, so it is exciting to look out my window and see the red line, where the pine mulch surrounds my hope of fresh fruit this summer. We had them growing up and my mom and I would collect a few every day for most of the summer. It is a way to remember the colorful spaces that she and my dad created for us.
Being the Odd Woman Out
I have worked many jobs in my 35 years. In them, I live by the motto, I will figure it out. The insurmountables were overcome as I stumbled through financial formulas in Excel, developed courses in communications and fired several people while being empathetic.
In each role, I have had to pretend I was competent until others and I believed it. Running for Nike, working in HR and now being in a "mom" role are challenging. My skills are not the traditional ones you would seek out if you were looking to hire in the exacting work they require. Each has a lot to do with planning, hyper-sensitivity and having the ego of an expert.
It is not that I can't have an ego, but it takes an hour of looking in the mirror and saying the, "I'm good enough, smart enough and people like me" speech first. The confidence does not last longer than the event I target and so I go back to being a nervous reck until I launch into the psych up process all over again.
The irony is that I love an audience. There is nothing better than reading my work to a class or talking in front of a group. It gets me all pumped up. This blog is a thrill to write, because you are reading. I just reviewed my hits to this site for the first time and am floored that at one point I had 183 viewers, which makes me feel like sprinting around my circle while screaming at the top of my lungs!
Two weeks ago when I spoke at my Mom's Group, I remembered my love of an audience first hand. I had three things to share about starting a Freezer Meal Club. Here is the gist: 1) If I were to decide which sister I was between Martha and Mary (from the Bible), I would have to say I am the third sister, sitting in my room with a book. 2) If I were being considered for the job of "mom" based on what I perceive to be the job description, I would never be hired. All the planning, organizing, cleaning, disciplining and directing do not come easily. My mom didn't care about that stuff and neither do I. I watch other moms do the grunt work with the grace and ease of a ballerina pirouetting across the stage. It is not even that I am choosing to spend more time with my kids over these things as I often sit in anxious land worrying about how I will get those freezer meals made for tonight, finish the book I am to lead at book club tonight, and handle the basic needs of my family. 3) Freezer meals and babysitting co-ops and any number of other support systems are about sharing the load. I wonder why parenting is not more corporate in that I could share resources and strengths, while strategizing on the stuff I am not interested in, to make the whole situation more enjoyable. I love group planning, generating the ideas for businesses, food prep, childcare or writing. I would love to have a joint play-group and clean house event, where we could make housework about socializing over isolated manual labor. I work best with others, and thus, wonder what I am doing at home alone with my kids.
All I can think is that God has a sense of humor and is wanting me to grow more dependent on him and to let go of the formula's of others. I don't have to work inside anyone else's job description. I am my own boss and can make up my own rules! That being said, if anyone wants to have a cleaning house party or a monthly meal planning event, I am in!
In each role, I have had to pretend I was competent until others and I believed it. Running for Nike, working in HR and now being in a "mom" role are challenging. My skills are not the traditional ones you would seek out if you were looking to hire in the exacting work they require. Each has a lot to do with planning, hyper-sensitivity and having the ego of an expert.
It is not that I can't have an ego, but it takes an hour of looking in the mirror and saying the, "I'm good enough, smart enough and people like me" speech first. The confidence does not last longer than the event I target and so I go back to being a nervous reck until I launch into the psych up process all over again.
The irony is that I love an audience. There is nothing better than reading my work to a class or talking in front of a group. It gets me all pumped up. This blog is a thrill to write, because you are reading. I just reviewed my hits to this site for the first time and am floored that at one point I had 183 viewers, which makes me feel like sprinting around my circle while screaming at the top of my lungs!
Two weeks ago when I spoke at my Mom's Group, I remembered my love of an audience first hand. I had three things to share about starting a Freezer Meal Club. Here is the gist: 1) If I were to decide which sister I was between Martha and Mary (from the Bible), I would have to say I am the third sister, sitting in my room with a book. 2) If I were being considered for the job of "mom" based on what I perceive to be the job description, I would never be hired. All the planning, organizing, cleaning, disciplining and directing do not come easily. My mom didn't care about that stuff and neither do I. I watch other moms do the grunt work with the grace and ease of a ballerina pirouetting across the stage. It is not even that I am choosing to spend more time with my kids over these things as I often sit in anxious land worrying about how I will get those freezer meals made for tonight, finish the book I am to lead at book club tonight, and handle the basic needs of my family. 3) Freezer meals and babysitting co-ops and any number of other support systems are about sharing the load. I wonder why parenting is not more corporate in that I could share resources and strengths, while strategizing on the stuff I am not interested in, to make the whole situation more enjoyable. I love group planning, generating the ideas for businesses, food prep, childcare or writing. I would love to have a joint play-group and clean house event, where we could make housework about socializing over isolated manual labor. I work best with others, and thus, wonder what I am doing at home alone with my kids.
All I can think is that God has a sense of humor and is wanting me to grow more dependent on him and to let go of the formula's of others. I don't have to work inside anyone else's job description. I am my own boss and can make up my own rules! That being said, if anyone wants to have a cleaning house party or a monthly meal planning event, I am in!
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