Christian Censorship

I have not let many people read my work outside of classes. People ask to read repeatedly and I hesitate and then say sure, but never send anything to them. I wonder what people will say about my work, both about the writing and the subject matter.

I remember the first paper I wrote in AP English at a public HS. I ended my essay with a Bible verse and testimony. Three days later my teacher stopped me in after class and said, they may have wanted that stuff in your Christian school, but I don't want that here.

Now in a Christian writing group I keep saying I will send my current story, but I wonder how they will respond to the title, "Intercourse." It is not a story about sex, but what censors or expectations do my readers have, especially high schoolers. What will they think of me if I write anything not explicitly about faith.

I think my real concern is what will the parent's think. Those are the people I have always catered to, tried to read so I could gain their approval. Maybe I will end up being one of those people who get read after they die, when someone else can share my work for me. I hope over time that I will figure out how to be brave and say what I believe to be most important, even if it starts with a word like, "Intercourse!"

Internal Poetry

I have been reading Mary Oliver poems because two people have mentioned that they liked her. I received her first volume of poetry several years ago as a Christmas gift from my sister-in-law. Not knowing a thing about her, I carried the purple book from house to house almost discarding it with each move. This week I found myself scouring the house to find it, as if it would instantly connect me with others who seem to like her.

Because others tell me she is good, I am reading about Goldfinches and enjoying her simple way of of watching the world. There is a sense that nature will spill open to reveal: your soul, bleeding heart, this moment, and the possibility of breaking free. I wonder if I love her for being short, readable, a distraction from other noise or because someone told me they liked her. Another friend mentioned that she was just ok and it made me wonder if she wasn't that good. How do I listen to my own thoughts and decide for myself if I should keep reading, or discard for something else?

This is the challenge with writing as well. Before even showing a word to someone I wonder how they will rate me. If they say it is good, I will wonder if they are telling the truth. If they say it is bad, I will abandon the effort. So like my post on telling the truth, I need to listen to my gut. To read on for what is to be found. Not looking at if it is good or bad, but experiencing visions that make me want to live bigger.

Pulling an Allnighter

My sister bought an amazing house in the heart of a hopping city and is in process of renovating it. As I wondered through the big rooms with large windows looking out on tall trees, I focused on the layers of pealing wallpaper and long cracking ceiling. She was full of joy and possibility, as if this were a place she could really settle with her new baby. I was stuck in the stress of the work, like I had to complete a 20 page paper by tomorrow morning or clean a storage locker in order to move. You know it will all be great, but the first box or scrub or word is the hardest.

With kids, I feel that my belief in accomplishing the impossible in a night has diminished. I have no desire to live through an allnighter, run five errands on Christmas eve or host a neighborhood party. I struggle to make a meal, manage groceries to include protein or wipe down the counter. Tonight I am going to the Townie Party in Ann Arbor to avoid having to think about cooking.

I wonder about how my sister can give her energy to this house, wonder how my mother managed food for ten every day, wonder how anyone managed with more than two kids. So many enjoy the process of eating and prepare ingredients beautifully as if every day is bountiful and special. I want the life where I too am immune from the exhaustion of beginning and the potential to fail, so I can celebrate the tastes and textures and magic of survival.

Belonging

Coming back from a family reunion in Connecticut, I spent the week thinking about my family. Each of my six siblings are married, many have kids and all have faith. In our days together we went to the depths of our relationships with our spouses, selves and God, answering questions like what first drew us to our spouse and what are the hot buttons in our relationship. We talked of cleaning quirks, the Frito question (see post of Fritos) of what we changed after getting married, and sharing thoughts on what we love.

The eighteen cousins said they loved things like, ice cream, playing with their Cousin Chloe, swimming and video games. What I loved was having my older sister to run with, stroke my head and tell me she loves me for being me. I loved how one of my sister-in-laws masterfully engaged our hearts while managing the food, the activities and ensured everything happened. I loved the intensity of a brother-in-law who challenged our patterns and tried to get at what was behind choices; to be in the work of observing why we do things.

It felt satisfying to see everyone belong to our family. The kids played, the men drank beer and the ladies bustled in the kitchen and I didn't worry about who was included, if someone would be offended or what I looked like. I wonder if this is what heaven might feel like, just sitting around pondering who we are in a space where we are unconditionally loved.

Christian Women Are Good at Housework

There is a sense that Christian women are organized, good cooks, helpful, planned, put together, etc and I am not. All my sisters appear to be pretty amazing in that regard. My therapist says everyone hates the grocery store, but I don't believe her.

For today, I feel content in how much I am enjoying my kids and our days together. We have a rythm and unlimited space to explore our closets and basement, because it is 100 degrees out. Maybe it is the anxiety meds talking, but I will take it! 

Please comment on  your idea about this: Is everyone is good at house management? Do you like or hate the grocery store! (I am curious about the real story here - and am ok if you enjoy it. I envy and wish I could be a better planner, because it feels like magic when I watch people managed things seamlessly!)