Giving A Penny

So I am going to take a stab at the topic of money, because it seems to be on my mind all the time. I have never been in the habit of saving or giving to others, but I feel very guilty about it. I heard the analogy recently that when you hold tightly to a penny in your hand, you are missing out on the treasure it would afford you. I think every few days about what I would support, who I want to support and how I absolutely need to start and then I dribble my money into gutters of coffee and craft supplies and toys for David until I think, maybe next month. Ironically, there have been many months when I feel like I get so much more than I need or ask for and I still don't open my fists.

My husband and I recently sat down to talk about our budget and I was excited to know how much I could spend and for a moment thought it would be freeing to have boundaries to work in. I have about $50 a week in our current plan (plus $10 for David), but it was gone so quickly, that I don't want to be accountable or think about how much I blew and continue to blow it. A swimming pool for David for $10, dinner w/ book club for $30, a table cloth for $70, therapy for $20, baby shower gifts for $50, a baby play stroller for David, $25, and misc coffee for $15. So $220 minus $120 = $100 over. This does not include my planned trip with David to Chicago, which will end up being much more. Ugh.

So my pastor's sermons have been about where your money is, there your heart is also. A theme has been that stuff is not life giving. In other words, it does not make me come alive. He talked about letting God excite you, rather than the idea of possessions. There is a deceptive power in our minds that God is holding back and not giving us the delicious fruit from the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil." Somehow we think that the one thing (or many) we don't have is God holding back something good. Pastor Chuck went on to say that economics fuels our discontent, taking our heart's affections away from God. He suggested that the goodness of God is better than the fraudulence of others and asked the question, "What makes you drool for Jesus." His final comment was to start talking about our finances with others. We can talk about any other struggle, but money seems to be a taboo subject. Especially for my family, given we will soon have more of it, which might imply better uses for it????

This all weighs on my heart, so I want to give it over to God and get out of the comparisons, the guilt, the shame and the idol that I make money into.  

Losing Myself

I spent an entire week saying yes to everything but my own writing. It seems that once I commited to a coach and writing group and actual goals with deadlines, I felt completely stuck. I watched other people's kids, slept, read my first sci-fi novel, knit, surfed for fabrics, agreed to purchase group gifts and scheduled a billion meetings. The meetings are for book clubs, weekly artist workshops and parent support groups, but the timing and quantity of initiatives might be a bit much??? I am also contemplating taking on a regular gig with UMich's Center for Poverty, just because I am so flattered that they asked me. In addition, I said yes to leading two committees for my neighborhood, one focused on fun and one on caring for others. All that being said, I did work on collecting bits for two stories and sending them to my writing coach. PHEW!

So where am I now? Looking at several days of busy schedules, with childcare, a trip to Chicago, unfinished projects, little energy for writing and numerous house chores. My man is still in the throws of a crazy month, so I also need to both stay out of his way and I want to be available when he is free for quality hang out time. Further, we may be just 3 weeks away from a new baby.

I am scattered and distracted and tired and hopelessly addicted to avoidance! I am also afraid of open spaces that are dedicated to my own stuff.  I feel like yelling "SERENITY NOW," as Kramer did on Sinfeld. So I guess the easiest way for me to manage today is by being intentional!
- I need to just start the clock every day at 1 pm and say go, give my writing 5 minutes to write and then if I am not engaging, allow myself to stop.
- I am going to write for a few hours on Tuesday morning.
- I commit to saying no to any additional commitments.
- (difficult one) I might need to go even farther and back-out of things like parenting conversations, time with people and anything new. Makes me tense just writing it!

RELATIONSHIP MATTERS

Last week got me thinking about several things, so I am including three BIG thoughts below:

Firstly, I solidified a writing group and coach, to help me focus and work towards finishing a story. Whenever I ask for things, I always assume rejection and feel the vulnerability connected with taking everything personally. If they say no, that means they don't like me, I'm not a good writer, etc. As per the usual "actual response," everyone I asked was enthusiastic. I believe there is much mutual support and energy that will come from working with these women. I am nervous about my own follow-through, but happy to be in the process. My coach has helped me create very specific goals for the week, so it should afford me the class-like structure as well as the deadlines that are critical to my success.

Secondly, I was at a lecture on personal struggles and a question the speaker asked was, what occupied your thoughts over the past week, i.e. what is most important based on your choices/actions. She mentioned that we are tempted to live out of the past. We have a story in our heads about what things should look like, for me, the idea that I should always help others, be available for anyone, do housework with joy and parent with endless energy. I believe that if I just do more and work harder, then I will be happy, because others are happy. The speaker talked about Mary and Martha and their choices, Martha to be overwelmed, focused on meeting demands of the guests and preoccupied with her sister's lack of help, while Mary sat at Jesus's feet. Mary had a profound need, knew Jesus had something to say and prioritized that above anything else. The discussion lead to thinking about where one's center of gravity is, with myself, with others, or with Christ. Jesus calls Martha, saying "Martha Martha," you are all about yourself, but the only thing you need to be about is me, come sit, you need to know me. I, like Martha, hate to dissapoint people. I live in fear of it, making commitments I can't or don't want to keep and constantly feeling guilty for not doing enough. In a process of working through this, I am looking for clarity regarding what is important!

Another thought is about being honest with ourselves. If I am overly critical of others, then I am declairing, "I am committed to being overly critical of others." Likewise with many things including, "I am committed to avoiding deep friendships," "I am committed to being bored while hanging out with my son." Stating my "true commitments," as seen in action really strikes me, as so often I say, I am doing things I don't want to do, but I have no control over them. The reality is that we do have control and with control, options. 

A first step in working through all of this seems to be exposing the stories that grab our hearts. Figuring out what we run to, what we believe in, what appears to be life for us. Then, from there, allowing Jesus to call us by name, love us and help us see better choices. For Chrsit to speak to the Martha in us saying, "No, you don't need to do all that or be all that, but rather, I want you to be free and open to listening to me, because I have you!"

Affirmations

I finished a creative writing class, full of assignments, accountability and a collective group of editors, all helping me focus. Now I need to decide what to do next. I struggle with self-directed anything, ambiguity and working alone. I also wonder if my words are worth anything. Sometimes I think I have to have some master piece by the end of the day, in order to legitimize my existence.

There is much written about the importance of practice and just showing up, which are small steps towards creating anything. I am willing to take an hour a day to write. The challenge with this is that I have an incredibly difficult time sitting still. I can't seem to get myself into a calm place. I once had a therapist who made me sit for 60 seconds saying nothing and I was panicked. A few weeks ago a friend and I were hiking and stopped to draw and the physical act of sitting there to see the world made me crazy. I often wonder if I have ADD. I guess running and yoga are probably options here, but I definetly need some help!

Another thought on this subject of motivation, discipline and action is around affirmations. Through several channels this week, a blaring message has been SIKE YOURSELF IN! A friend commented that within inaction, you are in the worst possible place, which is NOW, before you begin. My therapist talks about how we need to be our own cheerleaders, chanting whatever mantra's we need to get us ready for the work ahead, which for me is putting time toward creating above doing anything else. In my handouts on Interpersonal Effectiveness, here are a few things that resonate:
If I didn't get my objective, that does not mean I didn't go about it in a skillful way.
I can insist on my rights and still be a good person.
Standing up for myself over "small" things can be just as important as "big"things to others.
I may want to please people I care about, but I don't have to please them ALL THE TIME.
I am an important person in the world, too.
The fact that I say no to someone does not make me a selfish person.
If I say no to people and they get angry, that does not mean that I should have said yes.

Julia Cameron leads her readers/students through affirmations to help in reprogramming their head towards a free spirited artistic mindset. Here are some items from her list:
I call upon my Higher Power to release the Creator within me.
I am successful and prolific as a co-creator
I make a living doing what I love every single day.
I'm creating a life that reflects what's dear to my heart
I have all the money I need. Spirit is supporting me.
I am so rich, I have much to share.
I have arrived at a place where I am secure.
Criticism and judgment does not affect me. I am the judge and I love and accept myself completely.
I am publishing and creating and the world needs what I do.
I forgive myself for feeling scared before. I am brave NOW. I am a brave creator who enjoys the process.
 
So my goal is to write and to notice all the crud that comes up as I kick and scream myself toward action. I am also going to look into a writing coach or writing group, as working in community is critical in helping me take my work seriously. (Yes, I need affirmation and support!)

Asking as a Way of Being Seen

I have been working through a training on "Interpersonal Effectiveness," in my road to using my voice. The task of this week is to PRACTICE asking for things. I honestly feel selfish and lazy in even thinking about this, because I feel like I am not doing or helping anyone else. That being said, I am forging ahead and have a list of things I can ask for. Strangely, in doing this for the past few days, it has helped me to look people in the eye and feel more credible. I thanked someone at The Comet for an amazing Latte, discussed blue hair dyes with the cashier at Borders, and learned a lot about translation work from a worker at Dawn Trader. It was so pleasant to be engaging with them, rather than running for cover and feeling sheepish about interrupting their worlds. This leads me to believe that it is OK to show up in my neighborhood. In the practice exercises there is a lot of focus in asking or seeking help, without purchasing anything, which feels a bit trickier, but I am willing to give it a try.

Here is what I have tried so far:
1. Buying a magazine - The Believer and Running Times (I have wanted to get these for years)
2. Asking for assistance - For Restrooms at Borders and an author's name at The Dawn Trader
3. Seeking more information - In depth information on headlamps at Bivouac (they tried to sell me the more expensive items without giving me all the options, which was interesting!)
4. Little things around the house - I asked my son for tissues, and my husband to move laundry, change diapers and watch David, while I worked on my novel.

Here is the list I am going to work on this week:
1. Changing the subject while talking to someone
2. Asking for water or a bathroom from a store w/o buying anything
3. Asking someone to do anything with me (a walk, come over for coffee/lunch, etc)
4. Disagreeing with someones opinion (regarding something like faith, a book, etc.)
5. Getting my landlord to deal with our mice problem
6. Asking for help on my writing (from a group or a coach) 
7. Expressing disagreement regarding either a topic or a social arrangement

This list seems a bit scary, but my hope is to try to accomplish at least three of these this week.

Feel free to post any experiments or ideas you have regarding asking for help!