RELATIONSHIP MATTERS

Last week got me thinking about several things, so I am including three BIG thoughts below:

Firstly, I solidified a writing group and coach, to help me focus and work towards finishing a story. Whenever I ask for things, I always assume rejection and feel the vulnerability connected with taking everything personally. If they say no, that means they don't like me, I'm not a good writer, etc. As per the usual "actual response," everyone I asked was enthusiastic. I believe there is much mutual support and energy that will come from working with these women. I am nervous about my own follow-through, but happy to be in the process. My coach has helped me create very specific goals for the week, so it should afford me the class-like structure as well as the deadlines that are critical to my success.

Secondly, I was at a lecture on personal struggles and a question the speaker asked was, what occupied your thoughts over the past week, i.e. what is most important based on your choices/actions. She mentioned that we are tempted to live out of the past. We have a story in our heads about what things should look like, for me, the idea that I should always help others, be available for anyone, do housework with joy and parent with endless energy. I believe that if I just do more and work harder, then I will be happy, because others are happy. The speaker talked about Mary and Martha and their choices, Martha to be overwelmed, focused on meeting demands of the guests and preoccupied with her sister's lack of help, while Mary sat at Jesus's feet. Mary had a profound need, knew Jesus had something to say and prioritized that above anything else. The discussion lead to thinking about where one's center of gravity is, with myself, with others, or with Christ. Jesus calls Martha, saying "Martha Martha," you are all about yourself, but the only thing you need to be about is me, come sit, you need to know me. I, like Martha, hate to dissapoint people. I live in fear of it, making commitments I can't or don't want to keep and constantly feeling guilty for not doing enough. In a process of working through this, I am looking for clarity regarding what is important!

Another thought is about being honest with ourselves. If I am overly critical of others, then I am declairing, "I am committed to being overly critical of others." Likewise with many things including, "I am committed to avoiding deep friendships," "I am committed to being bored while hanging out with my son." Stating my "true commitments," as seen in action really strikes me, as so often I say, I am doing things I don't want to do, but I have no control over them. The reality is that we do have control and with control, options. 

A first step in working through all of this seems to be exposing the stories that grab our hearts. Figuring out what we run to, what we believe in, what appears to be life for us. Then, from there, allowing Jesus to call us by name, love us and help us see better choices. For Chrsit to speak to the Martha in us saying, "No, you don't need to do all that or be all that, but rather, I want you to be free and open to listening to me, because I have you!"