Having Stuff = Success?

Like millions, I saw the movie Inception and loved it. It felt like one of those out of body experiences. It is fascinating to ponder the power of dreams in consuming and changing our reality. Something I keep thinking about is the concept that "An idea is like a virus. Resilient, highly contagious. The smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define, or destroy you.” 

My husband is tired of my leaving our old laptops around the house, one in the kitchen, another in the bedroom, along with the one in the den and he put it in my head that I might consider getting a new little one that is more portable and could meet my needs. The last time I had my own personal computer was in early 2000. I thought I wanted a mac, for the "coolness" factor, and upon receiving it for Christmas, I found that the jump from PC world was too frustrating.  I abandoned it to a drawer after three sessions and eventually gave it away. 

So now I want a new laptop. Do I need one? No. If I were Edifice Rex (http://edificerex.blogspot.com/), I would use hand me down laptops until they died. But do I want a new one and am I driven to distraction by the sheer thought of how a new computer will make me a great writer, organize me in every way (pictures, recipes, websites, etc) and generally boost my self esteem. YES! I am obsessed with my desire for one, spending hours looking at them online.

On the flip side of this fantasy of overnight success is the fear that it would just be another computer. That my life would not be consolidated and I would be a bit poorer with nothing to show for it. Further, I could even regress, because my expectations have been dashed, like with my original mac or like when I got a guitar with the vision that it would make me instantly sound amazing, and shortly thereafter I stop playing. Honestly, how many people buy exercise equipment with the intent to become healthier, only to have it clog up half their basement. The reality is that hard work and dedicated time seem to yield more fruit than the fancy tools we put towards those efforts. 

I long to be genuinely in the work, not just about the idea of work. Likewise, I want my son to be in the world of pretend and make believe, not in the world of possessing stuff. For him, the more he has to play with, the less focused he becomes. If I build him a simple oval train track, he rides his cars around for hours, making up little stories about the "fat controller" and all the troubles on the line. With an elaborate set-up of several tracks and lots of tunnels, he loses interest almost immediately. 

Knowing all this about ourselves, how do I we let go of the crazy idea that still consumes me about the computer. I want my own computer, not several hand me downs with quirks and missing pieces. Ironically, I want a mac, because i believe I will be cool, by just sitting next to it. (Seriously, mac users tend to be feisty and colorful in a great way). 

I am currently typing on a MacBook that I can return within 14 days of yesterday. I also ordered a cheap HP that is supposed to arrive on Tuesday and can be returned within 21 days (this I tried to cancel, but it shipped early). I must decide what to keep and what to return and I am not sure what I will do. I feel exhausted and embarrassed just admitting I am getting a computer at all. It feels selfish and wasteful and I am ashamed of myself for the whole dilemma of its extravagance. Why does stuff make life so complicated? 

I am sure that someone owns a list of question that might clarify some of the lies associated with our desire for things. Maybe it relates to the Golite movement in camping. They ask questions like, "Is it a necessity? Does it have multiple uses? If you can manage without it, do you need it, etc."

And at the end of this entire blog, everything above feels like a lie, because though on some level I think buying a computer is ridiculous,  I am planning to keep one of the computers I purchased. I believe having a light little thing will help me with all the items I listed about success, organization, writing, and 100 other things I don't even know about yet. So I guess the final question I have to grapple with is, mac or PC.

(. . . and I want to take my confessions back and say, "I don't know" at the end of my sentences because I think you will judge me for buying a computer, but as you are reading this, it is posted, so I did not do that.)

Enduring Sleep Deprivation

Before getting back to solving my personal problems, I have to address my life with a sleepless baby. In general, I crave predictability in my kids. The fact that my two and a half year old, David, is a great sleeper and will go to bed or stay in his room after 8 pm every night is amazing. 


As a teenager, I used to hate putting kids to bed because of the exhausting effort it took to "make" them stay on their mattresses. I can't say how David was in the first several months of life, because i don't remember, but with Isaac, the first ten weeks were rough. He needed to be held and would not sleep alone for more than ten minutes at a time. Then, once he was thoroughly exhausted he would cry unconsolably for a few hours in the evening. You have no idea what this does to a person who is already tired and hopes to have a bit of space for her other son and to do anything else, like go to the bathroom. 


During Isaac's two month check-up, the nurse said to me, often things are hardest right before a big developmental breakthrough. So just as I thought I was going to lose it, things turned. In the last two days he started sleeping for long chunks of time during the day, partially due to the fact that we put him on his side to sleep. Now he is actually a happy baby while awake and I feel like I could really enjoy this! 


When I was struggling, I felt guilty for my frustration and anger at having to deal with his crying. Now I can sit and make silly noises that receive welcome smiles from the little guy. I am also feeling like I might be able to voice my opinions (i.e. get back to my blogging) about myself and begin looking forward! 


To all the mom's out there who are going through the first few months with a newborn, a few things to note, in order to survive, we have to believe it will get better, you will not remember this later, and if you don't relate to having a hard time, don't brag about it to the rest of us. There is nothing like hearing from a new mother that her baby sleep through the night. 


Enjoy the preciousness of your sleep!

Standing Up

When I was an eight year old camper at Deer Run, I remember one of the older girls saying she made a vow to herself that she would always stand up for what she believed in. She was brave and confident and I wanted to be just like her. Since then, I have met several women who I get a similar feeling about. Women who have real passion and seem content, even in the midst of struggles. They have fulfilling relationships and do what they love, or love whatever they are doing.

I find myself in the envy seat as I wonder about how these women are the way they are. I wish I could study and basically change myself, so I could stand tall and state my thoughts without qualification, or at least without saying, "I don't know" at the end of my opinions, which I currently do out of habit. I also fear giving God control, as he might make me do things I hate and force me to live a miserable life. That being said, I know God created us to be creative and he wants us to live life fully and that he gives us gifts and passions so we can use them. Phew!

There was a woman at Citigroup whose sole job was to be the shaper of Culture. She worked with "culture champions" in all areas of Citicards to see if we could think differently enough to be great. Her daily goal was to elevate people's level of thinking, i.e. getting them to see a bigger reality with more options. In knowing I was dispassionate in my role, she suggested I ask people the question, "What is your life work about." As a result, I have asked several people this question, in hopes of trying to find my own answer. What I currently say is that my life work is about creating spaces where people can be authentic. I am trying to give myself and others permission to be like that girl at camp, free to say what she believes. So far it has been through artistic groups, where people can create and engage without having to engineer the dialogue or work. The one topic I still choke on is my faith. Frankly, with so many people making fun, misjudging and putting down Christianity, along with the many faces that people associate with the word, I am dumb and mute about it much of the time.

My friend Melissa's blog (http://casting-off.blogspot.com/2010/08/underneath-covers.html) talks a lot about knowing what you have to do and then doing it, which in her case is writing. She writes beautifully in the attached post. I think the it is about showing up to do the work, trusting myself and God, which are both filled with unknowns.

So in my blog I am working to get less stuck, so I can continue to align my guts with my actions. It is a place I can attempt to be honest about my beliefs. (And yes I believe in not just a vague God, but Jesus saving me from myself.) Even though it is uncomforable and ackward, I want to be able to explore and share beliefs freely. 

Boredom

A friend of mine recently shared that despite being one of the busiest people alive, she had an hour to herself and felt completely bored. She did not know what to do with herself. I had to laugh because on Monday, I was sitting in a coffee shop with the same dilemma. I wrote out my to-do’s, I thought about writing, reading, community work, new artist groups to start and began to sweat because I felt no motivation to do any of those things and at the same time I did not want to waste a second. It seems crazy to say I was bored, given how little time I have and how much I crave space to work. It was like I was forced to watch sand fall in an hour glass. I then began scheming up new things I might add to my life, such as a baking company, singing lessons and getting to all the books I keep putting off.


Is boredom a natural byproduct of August? Should we do like the Italians and take the month off. To which I have to ask, where, oh where is my cabin on a lake (which everyone in Michigan seems to have)? My “bored” friend decided to read a fun book, Julie & Julia and picked up a second copy for me, which I started yesterday. Now I will be in the middle of six plus books including: The What is the What, David Copperfield, Let the Great World Spin, Reading Lolita in Tehran, The Glass Castle, my best friend’s novel and who knows what else. I am not sure why it is so difficult for me to commit and finish things.

In college I used to pack my schedule, so I could have an excuse for my mediocre grades. My issue is that if I truly give anything my full attention, then I might fail. Failing would mean losing the dreams I hold tightly about what I might be and do. If I commit, then I lose that dream and feel empty.

Motherhood is a bit tricky, because you don’t know what you are signing up for and once in, you can’t not commit, which is such a relief. So much of the challenge is just sitting down and going for it. It is deciding to show up at the beginning, in the middle and at the end, imagining each step in my mind and leaving no exit! This is why I love taking classes, with assignments and regular meetings. It is also why I love running. Once you go out, you have to come back. It is running a race; once you are on the course, you are far away and the only way to finish is to return and cross the line.

So I guess the real work is picking one book and finishing it. Taking one idea and working it through to completion. I am so thrilled to be accountable to my writing coach in completing three pages a week. If I do nothing else, I feel so excited about working on my story.

Ultimately, the satisfaction comes in the commitment and sense that I am in it. And I realize that even if I don’t publish my novel, I will be freed from the stuck place, where I can’t do anything and wonder how it might go. And if it goes nowhere, I am free to move on to the next book or idea that is in my brain.

Curiousity

In 2003 I took a Dale Carnegie Class, paid for by my employer. The 12 week course promised overnight success in work and social situations. On the first night I learned ten topics that allow you to have great conversations with anyone, starting with saying their name. Then it went to where they grew up, family, vacations, hobbies, books, etc. The course focused on story telling and audience, which was helpful, but what I struggle with is how to be myself, given my habit of needing to please others. I can keep someone talking, but where do I engage and include my own life in the equation. I wondered after these seemingly successful interactions, if these people learned anything about me and if they would remember me from anyone else, given they were the only ones talking. They might have felt good about themselves, but I would leave feeling bland.

It is ingrained in me that I must please others, fill empty space, try to get people to feel comfortable, but I feel sad that once I am in the interaction, I sometimes turn off, because either the topic I inquired about is not interesting to me, or I think my work is done and I shut off my brain and nod my head methodically pretending to listen. In these moments I feel guilty, fraudulent and a strong desire to retreat.

As I ponder this wanting to please, against wanting to show up and be in relationships that are genuine, I can't help but reach for my DePaul textbook called, "How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci." The book is amazing and exhausting at the same time, given that da Vinci attempted to do everything all the time. In one  sections on fostering curiosity, I am struck by how this leads to engagement with developing oneself and learning from others. I believe that people who value themselves and  engage in meaningful dialogue are curious. This makes me think that if I engage from this place, I could have satisfying interactions. I have observed and enjoyed brilliant conversations with people who are so in tuned to me (or whoever they are talking to) and also dynamic, and I believe the reason is that they are passionate about specific things. My guess is they are happy being alone as well. They seem to be masterful in both valuing their point of view and also mine. Further, they enter the conversations with energy and defectiveness around what matters.

Here are questions I would like to answer: What am I curious about, What do I value in me, and How do I engage from that place? The book has exercises like, enter things from a child's point of view, realize your hobbies, build your own and nurture your emotional intelligence by studying others. I think I will try out the entering things from a child's perspective, given I have a 2.5 year old and could have fun getting into this role. So if you talk to me, beware, I might ask you things like, Where are you? What's that? What are you talking about? Where is [Name}?

We Were Built to Create!

I want to make a note about being an Artist. I believe that we are ALL made to create!

This weekend a friend with a little vegtible garden commented that when she sees all of her plants, she wonders how anyone can question if there is a God. I had a similar thought while viewing thousands of animals at the 4H Fair last Wednesday. The spots and greys, thicknesses, hair types, noises, and smells all speak of an artist who is incredibly imaginative. Beyond the varieties and colors, are billions of personalities present in each horse, cow, lama, goat, chicken, and most profoundly in the proud children who raised them.

As I sit here writing, I give myself (and you) permission to create without guilt or a need to justify the time.

Censorship (Do I Cower at Having Readers?)

So I think someone might be reading this. From the minute I posted my blog link on Facebook, it has been an amazing roller coaster in my head. Without thinking much, I decided to have the Guts to share with others. The initial responses were all so supportive. Then I had some people talk about how personally touched they were by it and I panicked. It is funny how I can share in a random text box, but it feels much more scary to actually talk about my struggles in person. For an hour or so, I wondered if I should re-read everything, edit it to death and then apologize to you.
It felt a bit like my Senior Art Show, where I posted personal struggles I had with men in my artist statement, only to go back and put up a more generic statement a few hours later. The funny thing was that the few people who read the original were so moved and able to connect and disappointed by the change.

For my Art Show, I starting making what I thought was a beautiful pregnant woman, only to be told by my mentor that the woman was not pregnant, but holding onto something. The final piece is a woman holding a hollow masculine mask.  In my show as today, when I step out of a "norm" or say something weighty, I feel a bit sick. Instinct dictates that people might not like me, they might be offended and in the end, I will be alone, like Asher Lev. In the book, My Name is Asher Lev, Asher starts with this.

My name is Asher Lev, the Asher Lev, about whom you have read in newspapers and magazines, about whom you talk so much at your dinner affairs and cocktail parties, the notorious and legendary Lev of the Brooklyn Crucifixion.

I am an observant Jew. Yes, of course, observant Jews do not paint crucifixions. As a matter of fact, observant Jews do not paint at all--in the way that I am painting. So strong words are being written and spoken about me, myths are being generated: I am a traitor, an apostate, a self-hater, an inflicter of shame upon my family, my friends, my people; also, I am a mocker of ideas sacred to Christians, a blasphemous manipulator of modes and forms revered by Gentiles for two thousand years.

I took a risk in the Spring when I shared a story about a childhood Spanking and sweat bullets as I read it, thinking people would treat me like I had leprosy. The amazing thing was that every one of my classmates wrote comments back saying that they had had similar experiences. I was shocked at the connection and thankful that I took the risk.

Should I go into hiding and pretend I did not write a blog and retract my invitation to share or should I risk exposure in hopes of having a deeper relationship with myself, with you and with God. My real desire is to dialogue with anyone who wants to talk, either about what I have written or what is on your mind. So I will do my best to speak truthfully, so that real work can be done towards enlightenment, change and deeper engagement about things that matters.