Curiousity

In 2003 I took a Dale Carnegie Class, paid for by my employer. The 12 week course promised overnight success in work and social situations. On the first night I learned ten topics that allow you to have great conversations with anyone, starting with saying their name. Then it went to where they grew up, family, vacations, hobbies, books, etc. The course focused on story telling and audience, which was helpful, but what I struggle with is how to be myself, given my habit of needing to please others. I can keep someone talking, but where do I engage and include my own life in the equation. I wondered after these seemingly successful interactions, if these people learned anything about me and if they would remember me from anyone else, given they were the only ones talking. They might have felt good about themselves, but I would leave feeling bland.

It is ingrained in me that I must please others, fill empty space, try to get people to feel comfortable, but I feel sad that once I am in the interaction, I sometimes turn off, because either the topic I inquired about is not interesting to me, or I think my work is done and I shut off my brain and nod my head methodically pretending to listen. In these moments I feel guilty, fraudulent and a strong desire to retreat.

As I ponder this wanting to please, against wanting to show up and be in relationships that are genuine, I can't help but reach for my DePaul textbook called, "How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci." The book is amazing and exhausting at the same time, given that da Vinci attempted to do everything all the time. In one  sections on fostering curiosity, I am struck by how this leads to engagement with developing oneself and learning from others. I believe that people who value themselves and  engage in meaningful dialogue are curious. This makes me think that if I engage from this place, I could have satisfying interactions. I have observed and enjoyed brilliant conversations with people who are so in tuned to me (or whoever they are talking to) and also dynamic, and I believe the reason is that they are passionate about specific things. My guess is they are happy being alone as well. They seem to be masterful in both valuing their point of view and also mine. Further, they enter the conversations with energy and defectiveness around what matters.

Here are questions I would like to answer: What am I curious about, What do I value in me, and How do I engage from that place? The book has exercises like, enter things from a child's point of view, realize your hobbies, build your own and nurture your emotional intelligence by studying others. I think I will try out the entering things from a child's perspective, given I have a 2.5 year old and could have fun getting into this role. So if you talk to me, beware, I might ask you things like, Where are you? What's that? What are you talking about? Where is [Name}?