Standing Up

When I was an eight year old camper at Deer Run, I remember one of the older girls saying she made a vow to herself that she would always stand up for what she believed in. She was brave and confident and I wanted to be just like her. Since then, I have met several women who I get a similar feeling about. Women who have real passion and seem content, even in the midst of struggles. They have fulfilling relationships and do what they love, or love whatever they are doing.

I find myself in the envy seat as I wonder about how these women are the way they are. I wish I could study and basically change myself, so I could stand tall and state my thoughts without qualification, or at least without saying, "I don't know" at the end of my opinions, which I currently do out of habit. I also fear giving God control, as he might make me do things I hate and force me to live a miserable life. That being said, I know God created us to be creative and he wants us to live life fully and that he gives us gifts and passions so we can use them. Phew!

There was a woman at Citigroup whose sole job was to be the shaper of Culture. She worked with "culture champions" in all areas of Citicards to see if we could think differently enough to be great. Her daily goal was to elevate people's level of thinking, i.e. getting them to see a bigger reality with more options. In knowing I was dispassionate in my role, she suggested I ask people the question, "What is your life work about." As a result, I have asked several people this question, in hopes of trying to find my own answer. What I currently say is that my life work is about creating spaces where people can be authentic. I am trying to give myself and others permission to be like that girl at camp, free to say what she believes. So far it has been through artistic groups, where people can create and engage without having to engineer the dialogue or work. The one topic I still choke on is my faith. Frankly, with so many people making fun, misjudging and putting down Christianity, along with the many faces that people associate with the word, I am dumb and mute about it much of the time.

My friend Melissa's blog (http://casting-off.blogspot.com/2010/08/underneath-covers.html) talks a lot about knowing what you have to do and then doing it, which in her case is writing. She writes beautifully in the attached post. I think the it is about showing up to do the work, trusting myself and God, which are both filled with unknowns.

So in my blog I am working to get less stuck, so I can continue to align my guts with my actions. It is a place I can attempt to be honest about my beliefs. (And yes I believe in not just a vague God, but Jesus saving me from myself.) Even though it is uncomforable and ackward, I want to be able to explore and share beliefs freely.