Like millions, I saw the movie Inception and loved it. It felt like one of those out of body experiences. It is fascinating to ponder the power of dreams in consuming and changing our reality. Something I keep thinking about is the concept that "An idea is like a virus. Resilient, highly contagious. The smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define, or destroy you.”
My husband is tired of my leaving our old laptops around the house, one in the kitchen, another in the bedroom, along with the one in the den and he put it in my head that I might consider getting a new little one that is more portable and could meet my needs. The last time I had my own personal computer was in early 2000. I thought I wanted a mac, for the "coolness" factor, and upon receiving it for Christmas, I found that the jump from PC world was too frustrating. I abandoned it to a drawer after three sessions and eventually gave it away.
So now I want a new laptop. Do I need one? No. If I were Edifice Rex (http://edificerex.blogspot.com/), I would use hand me down laptops until they died. But do I want a new one and am I driven to distraction by the sheer thought of how a new computer will make me a great writer, organize me in every way (pictures, recipes, websites, etc) and generally boost my self esteem. YES! I am obsessed with my desire for one, spending hours looking at them online.
On the flip side of this fantasy of overnight success is the fear that it would just be another computer. That my life would not be consolidated and I would be a bit poorer with nothing to show for it. Further, I could even regress, because my expectations have been dashed, like with my original mac or like when I got a guitar with the vision that it would make me instantly sound amazing, and shortly thereafter I stop playing. Honestly, how many people buy exercise equipment with the intent to become healthier, only to have it clog up half their basement. The reality is that hard work and dedicated time seem to yield more fruit than the fancy tools we put towards those efforts.
I long to be genuinely in the work, not just about the idea of work. Likewise, I want my son to be in the world of pretend and make believe, not in the world of possessing stuff. For him, the more he has to play with, the less focused he becomes. If I build him a simple oval train track, he rides his cars around for hours, making up little stories about the "fat controller" and all the troubles on the line. With an elaborate set-up of several tracks and lots of tunnels, he loses interest almost immediately.
Knowing all this about ourselves, how do I we let go of the crazy idea that still consumes me about the computer. I want my own computer, not several hand me downs with quirks and missing pieces. Ironically, I want a mac, because i believe I will be cool, by just sitting next to it. (Seriously, mac users tend to be feisty and colorful in a great way).
I am currently typing on a MacBook that I can return within 14 days of yesterday. I also ordered a cheap HP that is supposed to arrive on Tuesday and can be returned within 21 days (this I tried to cancel, but it shipped early). I must decide what to keep and what to return and I am not sure what I will do. I feel exhausted and embarrassed just admitting I am getting a computer at all. It feels selfish and wasteful and I am ashamed of myself for the whole dilemma of its extravagance. Why does stuff make life so complicated?
I am sure that someone owns a list of question that might clarify some of the lies associated with our desire for things. Maybe it relates to the Golite movement in camping. They ask questions like, "Is it a necessity? Does it have multiple uses? If you can manage without it, do you need it, etc."
And at the end of this entire blog, everything above feels like a lie, because though on some level I think buying a computer is ridiculous, I am planning to keep one of the computers I purchased. I believe having a light little thing will help me with all the items I listed about success, organization, writing, and 100 other things I don't even know about yet. So I guess the final question I have to grapple with is, mac or PC.
(. . . and I want to take my confessions back and say, "I don't know" at the end of my sentences because I think you will judge me for buying a computer, but as you are reading this, it is posted, so I did not do that.)
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