Anyone there?

It has been over a month since I added my thoughts to this page and I hope that I don't lose faith in this method of claiming myself as legitimate. I want to allow myself to post as life allows.

There are so many scraps of thoughts I jotted down that I want to share, so here goes:

I have been thinking a lot about belonging and find myself searching for a space to be me. I think of my mothers desire to simply be "needed" and "loved" and my similar craving. But the words seem to be passive and upon others to provide, so I wonder at changing the mantra to be an active work of needing and loving. To have needs, to ask for help to to love them is a way to participate in belonging.

One of the exercises in my journal writing book, The New Diary, is about writing about the here and now as a way of experiencing joy. Somehow, the act of engaging in a present moment is full of possibility and surprise and tends to make me happy. It makes me want to read Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creak over and over! Another suggestion the book provides is listing things that make me happy. I instantly think of hot drinks, great conversations about books, personal pains or stories of any kind. I also think of the rare moments where I get to "chew the fat" with anyone. Places to just do nothing and be nowhere and talk about anything that hits you. I want my life work to somehow be about engineering these moments of pure presence and noticing and living!

The amazing thing about journaling and my class is that the students are all brilliant. I had my preconceived judgements about people and each week I am blown away by stories, experiences, and the openness of others. It truly is remarkable to watch people commit to living in their own shoes and claiming themselves as important, regardless of how pleasurable or painful things might be!

After a recent class I mentioned to a friend that I was boring and had nothing to say compared with everyone else. I have felt that way in writing groups classes and various social situations. I know that what I think becomes who I am, so this is only as true as how much I allow it to live in my brain. Further, my friend reminded me of my stories and shared how they were important to her. Seeing my classmates each week, makes me believe that I too have a lot to say and I need to keep writing to discover what is meaningful for myself and others.

I drew up a new clothing concept, as a way of trying to uncover my identity, and not just rely on scraps of clothes that are randomly collecting in my closet. Identity in connection with others is something I crave, like a puzzle piece trying to find its home in an ocean of possibly pictures. I don't need to keep up or try to fit in, but in the process of making decisions, I believe I can see myself as more consistent and grow into claiming my self worth.

I am embarking on the challenge of writing a novel in the month of November. It is a scary task to add to my journaling class, my mothering duties, holidays and the like, but I can't help but want to try. I have a character that I want to write about that would be my ideal self. I am dealing a lot with women's roles around men, women's voices and how to be an individual amidst egos and other's needs (does this sound familiar). It is fun to wade through my own issues with creative license to have anything happen. I am concerned about the time issue, as I have so little space! I may need help from everyone I know, my sister, parent's-in-law, husband, friends, babysitters. The trick will be to line them up, to give myself permission and consistency to get at it, without sacrificing quality time with all my boys (my never ending worry).

Mom Label = I am Uninteresting

Something I have run into a lot lately is the fact that the minute I receive the mom label, without the “legit” job tacked on the end, people tend to move on and dismiss me. This weekend I was at a party, where everyone had funky hair and quirky personalities, traveling to Detriot for NPR related shows and contributing to society in seemingly important ways. The minute I walked in, I felt like an outsider and throughout the entire night I basically sat in a corner while everyone had lively discussions. In introductions I was almost invisible. I felt so strange watching myself be outside and wondered why. No, I am not an important doctor or lawyer or professor that everyone else seems to be.

I get the mom stigma, because I was once there. I remember being a teenager and commenting to a leader at a retreat that staying at home would waste your mind and education, because we were made for bigger work. With her five year old running about, she responded that all the education and work was for her daughter and that that is the most important job there is.

I can’t say I know the answer, because I struggle for legitimacy and a place where I can feel competent. For me, mothering is ridden with daily guilt and fear and regret!  To be with my kids playing legos and making faces is fun in chunks but wearying over several hours. On the flip side, I feel terrible leaving them to do “my other work.” If I could take it seriously, it would be writing, reflecting, and making decisions about what I want for today. My prayer about this conflict is that God would manage everyone else so that I could go back to just sitting and listening.

Help

  In order to invest in "my other work" of writing, I need to have childcare for my boys. One (I) could question whether this is legitimate, knowing that it might never generate a penny or directly help anyone else. The idea of help is tricky. There are days when I resent my kids for my lack of time and my spouse for judging me as an inconsistent housekeeper. The clothes are always piling up, the floors never clean and I can’t even remember the last time I cleaned the bathrooms. I have thought about hiring a cleaner, but feel so badly at failing and at the thought of becoming one of those people who has others do everything so I can be lazy. I guess any “me time” feels like laziness.

            “Me time” also requires funding, so not only am I not producing, but I am sucking resources from others. I can easily spend $5 a day on coffee, but struggle with using that money to have someone watch my kids for 3 hours.

My parents had an interesting influence on my sense of time and money. One Saturday morning when I was around ten, I remember asking my dad to help me make a wooden pencil holder. He told me that he made $50 and hour and that it would not be worth his time. He does not remember saying this and he did build me a pencil holder, but I can remember feeling like I was not worth his time. Conversely, my mother spent a great deal of time on her own pursuits, knitting, cooking, reading and listening to the radio. Yes, she simultaneously mothered seven kids, but she did not apologize for her loves, nor did she give them up to “play games” with us. Was she a bad mother for this? I did resent being picked up hours after my baseball games were finished, but overall, she was pretty amazing at showing up for herself and me. We could find and engage with her anytime and I would sit and listen with her, so that her world was our world.

            The final case for “me time” is as follows: Time alone gives me permission to take writing seriously, and take my life seriously. I feel human and can tackle my fears. I am free and present in engaging with others, especially my kids. It is essential and I have to afford it. I am not a bad mother for wanting 6 hours to myself a week, as my goal is to be an available person, for others and myself. I was working a job one day a week and making pennies without apology, so why can’t I hire myself to focus on creating? Additionally, I am in a journal writing class, where I am required to write. So if I cannot stomach doing it for myself, I have the external motivation from my professor and permission to write through journaling and story telling.

           It is easy to want to end it all with the words, “I grow weary,” but it is only true if I let myself live soley in my mothering space and not in a creative world where I am a human being, created by God to love and be loved.

Affirmations

I have struggled to know what matters to me amid the many voices I encounter, I am fighting for my time, and ultimately, my voice. I am the youngest of seven kids, compliant by nature and forever seeking positive attention from others as validation for who I am. I received good support in my working careers to validate my “business” self-worth, though my motivation was often external. I tend to want to do the work of others, to help, to solve problems in order to receive their praise.  In being a “home-maker,” “stay at home mom” or whatever seemingly derogatory term that is pinned to me, I am my own boss and my own evaluator. There is no one observing my performance and writing my review, and thus I forever wonder how I am doing.                 

I am trending towards a Generation X’er on this subject. Somehow I want people to say, good job for getting up this morning, for making breakfast, and the billion little things that I should not need to be complimented for, but somehow I long to be praise about. When complaining about receiving few “hoorays,” my friend asked me what I wanted credit for. This got me thinking that I want cudos for the tiny things I do, which sounds egocentric, but feels important in helping me appreciate my current career. So I am making a list of good jobs.

I want to recognize for myself for:

1. Changing diapers, lots and lots of them.

2. Feeding my kids every few hours.

3. Writing a novel and blog (something I cannot live without).

4. Opening my home to my neighbors several times a day.

5.  Being available and showing up for friends.

6. Bathing my kids (which takes a lot of energy!).

7. Endlessly wanting them to be successful!

7. Waking up by the alarm of little cries calling for me.

8. Staring and/or Participating in billions of clubs – freezer meals, 2 book groups, writing group, women’s group, journal class, Bridge club, Animae club and Artist group.             

Of course the opposite list of failures would be much longer and might start with failing to show up for God and my husband. I know that I need to work on being more like Mary, by just sitting at Jesus’s feet, rather than playing the crazy worker with no space for what matters. It is exhausting to try and be legitimate for others, to be perceived as a good mom, and to look competent when frankly, it will never be enough to satisfy the perceived critics that surround me. Kids want more, friends come and go, you can’t do everything your spouses way and ultimately I can’t and don’t make others happy.            

Working on Empty

I remember sitting in a group therapy situation, where the leaders told us about the notion base levels and heightened reactivity. In a base level of operating, you are calm and relaxed. When you become angry or respond to intense situations, your emotions become elevated to address it. Then when the circumstance dissipates, you move back to that base level of operating, if and only if you can really mentally release and get back there. (things like meditation and running are supposed to help). If you don't get back there, then every situation that arrises takes you more and more into the reactionary zones that can border on explosive, if not addressed.

I wonder if lack of sleep and lack of time and frustration with crying babies has taken me towards the explosive zone. I find that everything is a BIG deal. I can't sit and focus. I could tell myself what would help, like time away from my children, a run, a nap, a pen and notebook, but I am unable to either get myself there, or unable to allow myself to stay there.

At this minute, I am writing this post, which feels huge. Here is my plan to address. I am going to look myself in the mirror tonight and commit to finding someone to watch both my kids for a total of six hours each week (not including my class time). I am also going to start sleep training my son (whatever that means). It sounds huge, but even if it only ends up with a bit more sleep and a few hours of work/alone time, I will be closer to sanity!

Having Stuff = Success?

Like millions, I saw the movie Inception and loved it. It felt like one of those out of body experiences. It is fascinating to ponder the power of dreams in consuming and changing our reality. Something I keep thinking about is the concept that "An idea is like a virus. Resilient, highly contagious. The smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define, or destroy you.” 

My husband is tired of my leaving our old laptops around the house, one in the kitchen, another in the bedroom, along with the one in the den and he put it in my head that I might consider getting a new little one that is more portable and could meet my needs. The last time I had my own personal computer was in early 2000. I thought I wanted a mac, for the "coolness" factor, and upon receiving it for Christmas, I found that the jump from PC world was too frustrating.  I abandoned it to a drawer after three sessions and eventually gave it away. 

So now I want a new laptop. Do I need one? No. If I were Edifice Rex (http://edificerex.blogspot.com/), I would use hand me down laptops until they died. But do I want a new one and am I driven to distraction by the sheer thought of how a new computer will make me a great writer, organize me in every way (pictures, recipes, websites, etc) and generally boost my self esteem. YES! I am obsessed with my desire for one, spending hours looking at them online.

On the flip side of this fantasy of overnight success is the fear that it would just be another computer. That my life would not be consolidated and I would be a bit poorer with nothing to show for it. Further, I could even regress, because my expectations have been dashed, like with my original mac or like when I got a guitar with the vision that it would make me instantly sound amazing, and shortly thereafter I stop playing. Honestly, how many people buy exercise equipment with the intent to become healthier, only to have it clog up half their basement. The reality is that hard work and dedicated time seem to yield more fruit than the fancy tools we put towards those efforts. 

I long to be genuinely in the work, not just about the idea of work. Likewise, I want my son to be in the world of pretend and make believe, not in the world of possessing stuff. For him, the more he has to play with, the less focused he becomes. If I build him a simple oval train track, he rides his cars around for hours, making up little stories about the "fat controller" and all the troubles on the line. With an elaborate set-up of several tracks and lots of tunnels, he loses interest almost immediately. 

Knowing all this about ourselves, how do I we let go of the crazy idea that still consumes me about the computer. I want my own computer, not several hand me downs with quirks and missing pieces. Ironically, I want a mac, because i believe I will be cool, by just sitting next to it. (Seriously, mac users tend to be feisty and colorful in a great way). 

I am currently typing on a MacBook that I can return within 14 days of yesterday. I also ordered a cheap HP that is supposed to arrive on Tuesday and can be returned within 21 days (this I tried to cancel, but it shipped early). I must decide what to keep and what to return and I am not sure what I will do. I feel exhausted and embarrassed just admitting I am getting a computer at all. It feels selfish and wasteful and I am ashamed of myself for the whole dilemma of its extravagance. Why does stuff make life so complicated? 

I am sure that someone owns a list of question that might clarify some of the lies associated with our desire for things. Maybe it relates to the Golite movement in camping. They ask questions like, "Is it a necessity? Does it have multiple uses? If you can manage without it, do you need it, etc."

And at the end of this entire blog, everything above feels like a lie, because though on some level I think buying a computer is ridiculous,  I am planning to keep one of the computers I purchased. I believe having a light little thing will help me with all the items I listed about success, organization, writing, and 100 other things I don't even know about yet. So I guess the final question I have to grapple with is, mac or PC.

(. . . and I want to take my confessions back and say, "I don't know" at the end of my sentences because I think you will judge me for buying a computer, but as you are reading this, it is posted, so I did not do that.)

Enduring Sleep Deprivation

Before getting back to solving my personal problems, I have to address my life with a sleepless baby. In general, I crave predictability in my kids. The fact that my two and a half year old, David, is a great sleeper and will go to bed or stay in his room after 8 pm every night is amazing. 


As a teenager, I used to hate putting kids to bed because of the exhausting effort it took to "make" them stay on their mattresses. I can't say how David was in the first several months of life, because i don't remember, but with Isaac, the first ten weeks were rough. He needed to be held and would not sleep alone for more than ten minutes at a time. Then, once he was thoroughly exhausted he would cry unconsolably for a few hours in the evening. You have no idea what this does to a person who is already tired and hopes to have a bit of space for her other son and to do anything else, like go to the bathroom. 


During Isaac's two month check-up, the nurse said to me, often things are hardest right before a big developmental breakthrough. So just as I thought I was going to lose it, things turned. In the last two days he started sleeping for long chunks of time during the day, partially due to the fact that we put him on his side to sleep. Now he is actually a happy baby while awake and I feel like I could really enjoy this! 


When I was struggling, I felt guilty for my frustration and anger at having to deal with his crying. Now I can sit and make silly noises that receive welcome smiles from the little guy. I am also feeling like I might be able to voice my opinions (i.e. get back to my blogging) about myself and begin looking forward! 


To all the mom's out there who are going through the first few months with a newborn, a few things to note, in order to survive, we have to believe it will get better, you will not remember this later, and if you don't relate to having a hard time, don't brag about it to the rest of us. There is nothing like hearing from a new mother that her baby sleep through the night. 


Enjoy the preciousness of your sleep!

Standing Up

When I was an eight year old camper at Deer Run, I remember one of the older girls saying she made a vow to herself that she would always stand up for what she believed in. She was brave and confident and I wanted to be just like her. Since then, I have met several women who I get a similar feeling about. Women who have real passion and seem content, even in the midst of struggles. They have fulfilling relationships and do what they love, or love whatever they are doing.

I find myself in the envy seat as I wonder about how these women are the way they are. I wish I could study and basically change myself, so I could stand tall and state my thoughts without qualification, or at least without saying, "I don't know" at the end of my opinions, which I currently do out of habit. I also fear giving God control, as he might make me do things I hate and force me to live a miserable life. That being said, I know God created us to be creative and he wants us to live life fully and that he gives us gifts and passions so we can use them. Phew!

There was a woman at Citigroup whose sole job was to be the shaper of Culture. She worked with "culture champions" in all areas of Citicards to see if we could think differently enough to be great. Her daily goal was to elevate people's level of thinking, i.e. getting them to see a bigger reality with more options. In knowing I was dispassionate in my role, she suggested I ask people the question, "What is your life work about." As a result, I have asked several people this question, in hopes of trying to find my own answer. What I currently say is that my life work is about creating spaces where people can be authentic. I am trying to give myself and others permission to be like that girl at camp, free to say what she believes. So far it has been through artistic groups, where people can create and engage without having to engineer the dialogue or work. The one topic I still choke on is my faith. Frankly, with so many people making fun, misjudging and putting down Christianity, along with the many faces that people associate with the word, I am dumb and mute about it much of the time.

My friend Melissa's blog (http://casting-off.blogspot.com/2010/08/underneath-covers.html) talks a lot about knowing what you have to do and then doing it, which in her case is writing. She writes beautifully in the attached post. I think the it is about showing up to do the work, trusting myself and God, which are both filled with unknowns.

So in my blog I am working to get less stuck, so I can continue to align my guts with my actions. It is a place I can attempt to be honest about my beliefs. (And yes I believe in not just a vague God, but Jesus saving me from myself.) Even though it is uncomforable and ackward, I want to be able to explore and share beliefs freely. 

Boredom

A friend of mine recently shared that despite being one of the busiest people alive, she had an hour to herself and felt completely bored. She did not know what to do with herself. I had to laugh because on Monday, I was sitting in a coffee shop with the same dilemma. I wrote out my to-do’s, I thought about writing, reading, community work, new artist groups to start and began to sweat because I felt no motivation to do any of those things and at the same time I did not want to waste a second. It seems crazy to say I was bored, given how little time I have and how much I crave space to work. It was like I was forced to watch sand fall in an hour glass. I then began scheming up new things I might add to my life, such as a baking company, singing lessons and getting to all the books I keep putting off.


Is boredom a natural byproduct of August? Should we do like the Italians and take the month off. To which I have to ask, where, oh where is my cabin on a lake (which everyone in Michigan seems to have)? My “bored” friend decided to read a fun book, Julie & Julia and picked up a second copy for me, which I started yesterday. Now I will be in the middle of six plus books including: The What is the What, David Copperfield, Let the Great World Spin, Reading Lolita in Tehran, The Glass Castle, my best friend’s novel and who knows what else. I am not sure why it is so difficult for me to commit and finish things.

In college I used to pack my schedule, so I could have an excuse for my mediocre grades. My issue is that if I truly give anything my full attention, then I might fail. Failing would mean losing the dreams I hold tightly about what I might be and do. If I commit, then I lose that dream and feel empty.

Motherhood is a bit tricky, because you don’t know what you are signing up for and once in, you can’t not commit, which is such a relief. So much of the challenge is just sitting down and going for it. It is deciding to show up at the beginning, in the middle and at the end, imagining each step in my mind and leaving no exit! This is why I love taking classes, with assignments and regular meetings. It is also why I love running. Once you go out, you have to come back. It is running a race; once you are on the course, you are far away and the only way to finish is to return and cross the line.

So I guess the real work is picking one book and finishing it. Taking one idea and working it through to completion. I am so thrilled to be accountable to my writing coach in completing three pages a week. If I do nothing else, I feel so excited about working on my story.

Ultimately, the satisfaction comes in the commitment and sense that I am in it. And I realize that even if I don’t publish my novel, I will be freed from the stuck place, where I can’t do anything and wonder how it might go. And if it goes nowhere, I am free to move on to the next book or idea that is in my brain.

Curiousity

In 2003 I took a Dale Carnegie Class, paid for by my employer. The 12 week course promised overnight success in work and social situations. On the first night I learned ten topics that allow you to have great conversations with anyone, starting with saying their name. Then it went to where they grew up, family, vacations, hobbies, books, etc. The course focused on story telling and audience, which was helpful, but what I struggle with is how to be myself, given my habit of needing to please others. I can keep someone talking, but where do I engage and include my own life in the equation. I wondered after these seemingly successful interactions, if these people learned anything about me and if they would remember me from anyone else, given they were the only ones talking. They might have felt good about themselves, but I would leave feeling bland.

It is ingrained in me that I must please others, fill empty space, try to get people to feel comfortable, but I feel sad that once I am in the interaction, I sometimes turn off, because either the topic I inquired about is not interesting to me, or I think my work is done and I shut off my brain and nod my head methodically pretending to listen. In these moments I feel guilty, fraudulent and a strong desire to retreat.

As I ponder this wanting to please, against wanting to show up and be in relationships that are genuine, I can't help but reach for my DePaul textbook called, "How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci." The book is amazing and exhausting at the same time, given that da Vinci attempted to do everything all the time. In one  sections on fostering curiosity, I am struck by how this leads to engagement with developing oneself and learning from others. I believe that people who value themselves and  engage in meaningful dialogue are curious. This makes me think that if I engage from this place, I could have satisfying interactions. I have observed and enjoyed brilliant conversations with people who are so in tuned to me (or whoever they are talking to) and also dynamic, and I believe the reason is that they are passionate about specific things. My guess is they are happy being alone as well. They seem to be masterful in both valuing their point of view and also mine. Further, they enter the conversations with energy and defectiveness around what matters.

Here are questions I would like to answer: What am I curious about, What do I value in me, and How do I engage from that place? The book has exercises like, enter things from a child's point of view, realize your hobbies, build your own and nurture your emotional intelligence by studying others. I think I will try out the entering things from a child's perspective, given I have a 2.5 year old and could have fun getting into this role. So if you talk to me, beware, I might ask you things like, Where are you? What's that? What are you talking about? Where is [Name}?

We Were Built to Create!

I want to make a note about being an Artist. I believe that we are ALL made to create!

This weekend a friend with a little vegtible garden commented that when she sees all of her plants, she wonders how anyone can question if there is a God. I had a similar thought while viewing thousands of animals at the 4H Fair last Wednesday. The spots and greys, thicknesses, hair types, noises, and smells all speak of an artist who is incredibly imaginative. Beyond the varieties and colors, are billions of personalities present in each horse, cow, lama, goat, chicken, and most profoundly in the proud children who raised them.

As I sit here writing, I give myself (and you) permission to create without guilt or a need to justify the time.

Censorship (Do I Cower at Having Readers?)

So I think someone might be reading this. From the minute I posted my blog link on Facebook, it has been an amazing roller coaster in my head. Without thinking much, I decided to have the Guts to share with others. The initial responses were all so supportive. Then I had some people talk about how personally touched they were by it and I panicked. It is funny how I can share in a random text box, but it feels much more scary to actually talk about my struggles in person. For an hour or so, I wondered if I should re-read everything, edit it to death and then apologize to you.
It felt a bit like my Senior Art Show, where I posted personal struggles I had with men in my artist statement, only to go back and put up a more generic statement a few hours later. The funny thing was that the few people who read the original were so moved and able to connect and disappointed by the change.

For my Art Show, I starting making what I thought was a beautiful pregnant woman, only to be told by my mentor that the woman was not pregnant, but holding onto something. The final piece is a woman holding a hollow masculine mask.  In my show as today, when I step out of a "norm" or say something weighty, I feel a bit sick. Instinct dictates that people might not like me, they might be offended and in the end, I will be alone, like Asher Lev. In the book, My Name is Asher Lev, Asher starts with this.

My name is Asher Lev, the Asher Lev, about whom you have read in newspapers and magazines, about whom you talk so much at your dinner affairs and cocktail parties, the notorious and legendary Lev of the Brooklyn Crucifixion.

I am an observant Jew. Yes, of course, observant Jews do not paint crucifixions. As a matter of fact, observant Jews do not paint at all--in the way that I am painting. So strong words are being written and spoken about me, myths are being generated: I am a traitor, an apostate, a self-hater, an inflicter of shame upon my family, my friends, my people; also, I am a mocker of ideas sacred to Christians, a blasphemous manipulator of modes and forms revered by Gentiles for two thousand years.

I took a risk in the Spring when I shared a story about a childhood Spanking and sweat bullets as I read it, thinking people would treat me like I had leprosy. The amazing thing was that every one of my classmates wrote comments back saying that they had had similar experiences. I was shocked at the connection and thankful that I took the risk.

Should I go into hiding and pretend I did not write a blog and retract my invitation to share or should I risk exposure in hopes of having a deeper relationship with myself, with you and with God. My real desire is to dialogue with anyone who wants to talk, either about what I have written or what is on your mind. So I will do my best to speak truthfully, so that real work can be done towards enlightenment, change and deeper engagement about things that matters.

Sleepless Stupor

I just love this verse from Job 10: "You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away. And your life will be brighter than the noonday; its darkness will be like the morning. And you will have confidence, because there is hope; you will be protected and take rest in safety."

Right now misery is all about a crying baby and very little sleep and the promise is that it will be gone tomorrow, as I know it will. I have no memory of the early struggles we had with David, but I am told they were just as challenging.

In a recent sermon I heard, our talked about how life is not about being happy. The pastor said that if it were, we would all be disappointed most of the time, in marriage, friends, our success, etc. I believe this is true and hope to live fully, without the expectation of everyone and everything turning into a fairy tale, which would be so boring anyway.

Parenting vs. Choosing Not to Have Kids

So, with a new son in our lives, I have to address the question of why people, or why I chose to have kids. This is also a response to some close friends who feel the idea of kids is appealing, but who might decide the work of child rearing is not for them, which equates to no kids. There is a sense that the rift between parenting and coupling w/o kids is so vast, that relating as adults across the kid decision becomes difficult. I feel defensive as I wonder about why there might be a rift, once you take a side. I also wonder about how people on either side of this argument seem to need to convince people that their choice is the better one. Even in the latest Sex in the City movie, Carrie and Big have to deal with another couple who thinks they must be empty for not deciding to be parents. Funnily, their lives seem a little boring or lost, which might imply they are, if it were not for Charlotte's major frustrations in mothering (i.e. her kids cry and scream a lot and she hides from them in the pantry). Is there more to this equation?

So many older woman I meet, tell me that I should enjoy my kids because they grow so fast. Do they remember how much work babies are? How you lose your identity, style, sense of time, etc. It is an immense amount of unidentifiable work being at home, following my kids everywhere, missing out on high society or "adult fun." I felt the most angst during David's sixth month through his second year. Somehow at two, a switch turned and realized how much I enjoyed waking up to possibilities, not have routine and his brilliant language and engagement with the world and me. I have doubts about my skill as a mom, but just appreciating his mind is blissful. I love his waking and not getting up, but calling my name, his super energy which he says comes from bouncing, and his passion. When he turns my face to look into his eyes and says something like, "that makes mommy sad," or "who put that [scary dream] in my head." He is an amazing kids and I just love him.

The baby is a baby. Loved for his smallness, his helplessness, my role in supporting his every need, etc. I look in his eyes and try to connect because that is what I am supposed to do, but it is mostly physical work and exhaustion. But I choose kids. I always knew I wanted them. For 9 years of marriage, I happily lived without them, but at this point I join all the annoying people who take a side and have to say why everyone should carefully consider kids.

Yes, there are sleepless nights for several months and complete loss of personal time and space (not to mention the pressure of actually nurturing them to greatness), but on the other side is a truthful awareness of my humanity, and a stretching in every way, all leading me to become a better person. For me it is loving beyond believing and of having a long term family. David changes my experience of life, holidays, eating, mornings, playing and all is exuberant and full of drama. He makes me realize how complex we are in developing and how much we are capable of connecting.

This lead me to personally proclaim that I would not trade David or Isaac for my independence.

Playing the Victim

The past week has been an emotional one, with exhaustion and heat and a baby inside me that is weighing on my body and soul. I have cried a lot and blamed everyone I can think of for not being more supportive.

In saying it is everyone else's fault, I know that I give up my power and play the role of victim. From some things I recently read about "conscious living," the victim roll is an comfortable place to sit, when you want to drift along and do nothing. There is a sense that you give yourself over to others and let go of choices. It is hard for me to know how to shift back into my own sense of self! I question my role in staying at home with kids, being dependent on others financially and forever having to justify my work and my time. Did I do anything today, because I know at least one person who would say, no. Did I cook, clean, nurture my son, manage everything and if I did something outside of that role, was that selfish. I guess the bottom line is what is my value? Ouch, this one makes me cry, because I don't feel very valued in the eyes of others, which I suppose means I don't value myself much right now.

In my attempt to gain my power back, I have made some demands of others. I am lousy at it, in that I come across as ungrateful and controlling. I think this week I need to be clear in saying what I want. I want to have this baby. I want to write. I want to have Internet access at all times. I want sympathy for being 38 weeks pregnant. I want to let go of household chores. I want to let people's opinions be theirs and not mine. I want to pamper myself, even if I can't think of how. I want to take the entire day off on Monday. This list all feels selfish, but I am not going to delete it.  Deep breath!

Being in My Own World

I spent a few days in Chicago with David this past week. It was a strange adventure for us, with me being 8 months pregnant, David being a little more concerned about his surroundings, and the realization that I am a real foreigner to those parts. No one hailed me as a native, even though I spent almost 10 years in the area.

I saw running friends and working friends and realized that I do not miss the intensity of their lives. The deadlines and stresses and big goals were things that used to consume me, but now sound commical. Not to say that I will not work or run again, as I hope to do both, but those areas do not define me and I do not feel less of a person without them.

I really enjoy being at home every day. Wow, I really can't believe I could say that, but it is true. I love writing, artist collaboratives, watching shows, my neighbors and my family. I don't know if anyone can relate to that, because it is not the thing I am dialoguing with anyone about, but I feel good just saying it!

Giving A Penny

So I am going to take a stab at the topic of money, because it seems to be on my mind all the time. I have never been in the habit of saving or giving to others, but I feel very guilty about it. I heard the analogy recently that when you hold tightly to a penny in your hand, you are missing out on the treasure it would afford you. I think every few days about what I would support, who I want to support and how I absolutely need to start and then I dribble my money into gutters of coffee and craft supplies and toys for David until I think, maybe next month. Ironically, there have been many months when I feel like I get so much more than I need or ask for and I still don't open my fists.

My husband and I recently sat down to talk about our budget and I was excited to know how much I could spend and for a moment thought it would be freeing to have boundaries to work in. I have about $50 a week in our current plan (plus $10 for David), but it was gone so quickly, that I don't want to be accountable or think about how much I blew and continue to blow it. A swimming pool for David for $10, dinner w/ book club for $30, a table cloth for $70, therapy for $20, baby shower gifts for $50, a baby play stroller for David, $25, and misc coffee for $15. So $220 minus $120 = $100 over. This does not include my planned trip with David to Chicago, which will end up being much more. Ugh.

So my pastor's sermons have been about where your money is, there your heart is also. A theme has been that stuff is not life giving. In other words, it does not make me come alive. He talked about letting God excite you, rather than the idea of possessions. There is a deceptive power in our minds that God is holding back and not giving us the delicious fruit from the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil." Somehow we think that the one thing (or many) we don't have is God holding back something good. Pastor Chuck went on to say that economics fuels our discontent, taking our heart's affections away from God. He suggested that the goodness of God is better than the fraudulence of others and asked the question, "What makes you drool for Jesus." His final comment was to start talking about our finances with others. We can talk about any other struggle, but money seems to be a taboo subject. Especially for my family, given we will soon have more of it, which might imply better uses for it????

This all weighs on my heart, so I want to give it over to God and get out of the comparisons, the guilt, the shame and the idol that I make money into.  

Losing Myself

I spent an entire week saying yes to everything but my own writing. It seems that once I commited to a coach and writing group and actual goals with deadlines, I felt completely stuck. I watched other people's kids, slept, read my first sci-fi novel, knit, surfed for fabrics, agreed to purchase group gifts and scheduled a billion meetings. The meetings are for book clubs, weekly artist workshops and parent support groups, but the timing and quantity of initiatives might be a bit much??? I am also contemplating taking on a regular gig with UMich's Center for Poverty, just because I am so flattered that they asked me. In addition, I said yes to leading two committees for my neighborhood, one focused on fun and one on caring for others. All that being said, I did work on collecting bits for two stories and sending them to my writing coach. PHEW!

So where am I now? Looking at several days of busy schedules, with childcare, a trip to Chicago, unfinished projects, little energy for writing and numerous house chores. My man is still in the throws of a crazy month, so I also need to both stay out of his way and I want to be available when he is free for quality hang out time. Further, we may be just 3 weeks away from a new baby.

I am scattered and distracted and tired and hopelessly addicted to avoidance! I am also afraid of open spaces that are dedicated to my own stuff.  I feel like yelling "SERENITY NOW," as Kramer did on Sinfeld. So I guess the easiest way for me to manage today is by being intentional!
- I need to just start the clock every day at 1 pm and say go, give my writing 5 minutes to write and then if I am not engaging, allow myself to stop.
- I am going to write for a few hours on Tuesday morning.
- I commit to saying no to any additional commitments.
- (difficult one) I might need to go even farther and back-out of things like parenting conversations, time with people and anything new. Makes me tense just writing it!

RELATIONSHIP MATTERS

Last week got me thinking about several things, so I am including three BIG thoughts below:

Firstly, I solidified a writing group and coach, to help me focus and work towards finishing a story. Whenever I ask for things, I always assume rejection and feel the vulnerability connected with taking everything personally. If they say no, that means they don't like me, I'm not a good writer, etc. As per the usual "actual response," everyone I asked was enthusiastic. I believe there is much mutual support and energy that will come from working with these women. I am nervous about my own follow-through, but happy to be in the process. My coach has helped me create very specific goals for the week, so it should afford me the class-like structure as well as the deadlines that are critical to my success.

Secondly, I was at a lecture on personal struggles and a question the speaker asked was, what occupied your thoughts over the past week, i.e. what is most important based on your choices/actions. She mentioned that we are tempted to live out of the past. We have a story in our heads about what things should look like, for me, the idea that I should always help others, be available for anyone, do housework with joy and parent with endless energy. I believe that if I just do more and work harder, then I will be happy, because others are happy. The speaker talked about Mary and Martha and their choices, Martha to be overwelmed, focused on meeting demands of the guests and preoccupied with her sister's lack of help, while Mary sat at Jesus's feet. Mary had a profound need, knew Jesus had something to say and prioritized that above anything else. The discussion lead to thinking about where one's center of gravity is, with myself, with others, or with Christ. Jesus calls Martha, saying "Martha Martha," you are all about yourself, but the only thing you need to be about is me, come sit, you need to know me. I, like Martha, hate to dissapoint people. I live in fear of it, making commitments I can't or don't want to keep and constantly feeling guilty for not doing enough. In a process of working through this, I am looking for clarity regarding what is important!

Another thought is about being honest with ourselves. If I am overly critical of others, then I am declairing, "I am committed to being overly critical of others." Likewise with many things including, "I am committed to avoiding deep friendships," "I am committed to being bored while hanging out with my son." Stating my "true commitments," as seen in action really strikes me, as so often I say, I am doing things I don't want to do, but I have no control over them. The reality is that we do have control and with control, options. 

A first step in working through all of this seems to be exposing the stories that grab our hearts. Figuring out what we run to, what we believe in, what appears to be life for us. Then, from there, allowing Jesus to call us by name, love us and help us see better choices. For Chrsit to speak to the Martha in us saying, "No, you don't need to do all that or be all that, but rather, I want you to be free and open to listening to me, because I have you!"

Affirmations

I finished a creative writing class, full of assignments, accountability and a collective group of editors, all helping me focus. Now I need to decide what to do next. I struggle with self-directed anything, ambiguity and working alone. I also wonder if my words are worth anything. Sometimes I think I have to have some master piece by the end of the day, in order to legitimize my existence.

There is much written about the importance of practice and just showing up, which are small steps towards creating anything. I am willing to take an hour a day to write. The challenge with this is that I have an incredibly difficult time sitting still. I can't seem to get myself into a calm place. I once had a therapist who made me sit for 60 seconds saying nothing and I was panicked. A few weeks ago a friend and I were hiking and stopped to draw and the physical act of sitting there to see the world made me crazy. I often wonder if I have ADD. I guess running and yoga are probably options here, but I definetly need some help!

Another thought on this subject of motivation, discipline and action is around affirmations. Through several channels this week, a blaring message has been SIKE YOURSELF IN! A friend commented that within inaction, you are in the worst possible place, which is NOW, before you begin. My therapist talks about how we need to be our own cheerleaders, chanting whatever mantra's we need to get us ready for the work ahead, which for me is putting time toward creating above doing anything else. In my handouts on Interpersonal Effectiveness, here are a few things that resonate:
If I didn't get my objective, that does not mean I didn't go about it in a skillful way.
I can insist on my rights and still be a good person.
Standing up for myself over "small" things can be just as important as "big"things to others.
I may want to please people I care about, but I don't have to please them ALL THE TIME.
I am an important person in the world, too.
The fact that I say no to someone does not make me a selfish person.
If I say no to people and they get angry, that does not mean that I should have said yes.

Julia Cameron leads her readers/students through affirmations to help in reprogramming their head towards a free spirited artistic mindset. Here are some items from her list:
I call upon my Higher Power to release the Creator within me.
I am successful and prolific as a co-creator
I make a living doing what I love every single day.
I'm creating a life that reflects what's dear to my heart
I have all the money I need. Spirit is supporting me.
I am so rich, I have much to share.
I have arrived at a place where I am secure.
Criticism and judgment does not affect me. I am the judge and I love and accept myself completely.
I am publishing and creating and the world needs what I do.
I forgive myself for feeling scared before. I am brave NOW. I am a brave creator who enjoys the process.
 
So my goal is to write and to notice all the crud that comes up as I kick and scream myself toward action. I am also going to look into a writing coach or writing group, as working in community is critical in helping me take my work seriously. (Yes, I need affirmation and support!)

Asking as a Way of Being Seen

I have been working through a training on "Interpersonal Effectiveness," in my road to using my voice. The task of this week is to PRACTICE asking for things. I honestly feel selfish and lazy in even thinking about this, because I feel like I am not doing or helping anyone else. That being said, I am forging ahead and have a list of things I can ask for. Strangely, in doing this for the past few days, it has helped me to look people in the eye and feel more credible. I thanked someone at The Comet for an amazing Latte, discussed blue hair dyes with the cashier at Borders, and learned a lot about translation work from a worker at Dawn Trader. It was so pleasant to be engaging with them, rather than running for cover and feeling sheepish about interrupting their worlds. This leads me to believe that it is OK to show up in my neighborhood. In the practice exercises there is a lot of focus in asking or seeking help, without purchasing anything, which feels a bit trickier, but I am willing to give it a try.

Here is what I have tried so far:
1. Buying a magazine - The Believer and Running Times (I have wanted to get these for years)
2. Asking for assistance - For Restrooms at Borders and an author's name at The Dawn Trader
3. Seeking more information - In depth information on headlamps at Bivouac (they tried to sell me the more expensive items without giving me all the options, which was interesting!)
4. Little things around the house - I asked my son for tissues, and my husband to move laundry, change diapers and watch David, while I worked on my novel.

Here is the list I am going to work on this week:
1. Changing the subject while talking to someone
2. Asking for water or a bathroom from a store w/o buying anything
3. Asking someone to do anything with me (a walk, come over for coffee/lunch, etc)
4. Disagreeing with someones opinion (regarding something like faith, a book, etc.)
5. Getting my landlord to deal with our mice problem
6. Asking for help on my writing (from a group or a coach) 
7. Expressing disagreement regarding either a topic or a social arrangement

This list seems a bit scary, but my hope is to try to accomplish at least three of these this week.

Feel free to post any experiments or ideas you have regarding asking for help!

How to Get out of a Funk!

The last few days have been difficult, with trying to get my son to want to use the potty and figuring out how to structure our days, without any set commitments. To clarify this entry, much of the time he is brilliant and fun and I love my time with him. There are some moments, however, where he has appeared to be dissatisfied (or maybe that is me) and insistent that I do what he wants me to do. He will say, "mommy, sit here," "mommy don't touch trains," "no singing," "I do it self," or my favorite, "no mommy" without any detail as to what he does not want. He has strong and dramatic expression of his likes and dislikes and I feel helpless in knowing how to respond. Thus I am pulled into guilt, shame, frustration, panic and a plethora of other emotions that take me on a roller coasters ride inside my head. So I want to figure out how to be more consistently me, decisive in my responses and overall level headed (if this is even possibly).

Dr. Jacob's blog includes a link to Sydney Smith's list of ideas for helping people with melancholy.
http://text-patterns.thenewatlantis.com/2010/04/wisdom-of-sydney-smith.html. In my efforts to address my own issues head-on, here is my attempt at a list:

1. Shower, dress-up, put on make-up, etc.
2. Go out for breakfast!
2. Get outside to walk, either in the woods or in town.
3. Read Gerard Manley Hopkins poem, "Glory Be to God for Dappled Things"
4. Go on a solo/artist date - including a few hours of journaling, reading or working on anything.
5. Drink tea and and read a magazine not typically on your coffee table.
6. Write/create anything and think about how much I have to contribute to others/society.
7. Buy stuff I think might change me, like accessories with personality, craft books, or novels that promise to get me out of my head and into someone else's problems.
8. Read blogs with soul.
9. I am considering actually reading self-help books because there are studies to show they work better than therapy, which makes me curious.  I have a list of them in my house that I might consider: The Drama of the Gifted Child, Addicted to Unhappiness, Childhood Roots to Adult Happiness, Velvet Elvis, and The Spirituality of Imperfection. It is funny how I buy these books out of a deep urgency for change and then barely scratch the first page, thinking they are not worth my time. Maybe it is because they promise so much, that I am certain they will not live up to their titles.

Somehow my list speaks to me about replenishing my connection with myself in the midst of other's demands. If you have any thoughts for how you survive moments of indecision, lack of motivation or two year old tantrums, please add them to this discussion.

Becoming Home

I long to have time, yet when I sit alone to write, I feel like I am frantic about everything but myself. I am defined by cleaning, book clubs, food, slumber and an unending task list I created at midnight. I put things like writing, reading, looking for inspiration on the non-required and thus "unimportant" list. My creative self feels like an old rusty box , without a seam. Is my mind what is locked up and if so, where is the opening?

This month or maybe just this moment I am struck by my parrot-like need to be accepted. This runs to the point where someone opens their mouth and I attempt to look more attentive and fear that I am not looking most attentive. I am deaf to what they might actually be saying and how I might actually respond. Exhausting, right? (see I am still looking for your feedback here). What will you say next, what will I say, then what will you think of what I say, runs like a rats wheel in my head. I long to "borrow Frost's lines here and scream that what I want "Is not my love back in copy speech/But counter-love, original response." I want to hear you and say something, as a person with opinions and ideas and dreams!

My best friend recently expressed this conflict well, by discribing oneself walking down the street and seeing someone come towards you who you know. All of the sudden you are thrown from your world to the moment of thinking, what should I say, should I talk or ignore them, because the messiness and imprefection of spontaniously trying to be someone is wearisome.

So how does one step out of other's shadows and show up as themselves to anyone walking past? My son on Friday said, "Lets go to the pool, that's a good idea," all in one breath. I love his simple confidence in himself! Despite how we try to coorce him, he rules his world. My husband believes I give too many explanations and that I should just decide and declare my conclusion. My therapist asked me to write "If your life could be about anything, what would I have it be about." My patent answer is "Creating spaces where people can authentically interact."

Is that possible here on this blog? Probobly not, because I am the only one speaking, however, I am going to open up pages for you to comment about various topics, such as "You Life Work," "Unanswered Questions," "Brilliant Ideas," "A fear," "Something no one knows," "A regret," "A great moment," etc.

Maybe for now it would be easier to say that my life work is in "Looking for places where I and others can be themselves." Do such places exist, when we are not alone? I recently wrote a short story called, "The Spanking" and read it to a group with great trepidation, fearing they would pitty me. The opposite happened, as everyone commented that I expressed their childhood fears and experiences in my work. It shocked me that my story acted as a connector, rather than a means of further isolating myself. Take a read and see how it hits you. (See Below.)

In reading the opening of Emerson's "Self-Reliance," Emerson says that speaking your mind is critical to life, and without it you will forever watch others steal your voice and claim it as their own. So here I blog, to have a voice. I don't know how I feel about readers, because they can act as critics and rejectors, but I am hoping to find an authentic space to hear myself above the noise, and I hope others will find that as well.

My goal in blogging is to explore the world through fresh eyes and "help-myself" (for now) to grow past fear and judgement to be more whole. I am going to put forth goals and challenges in an effort to administer therapy and cure myself once and for all from everything from insecurity, to muteness, to self-sabatage. I want to move forward in becoming myself and living towards what I love.